Greetings, readers. Back to real life. If you’re like me, you’re re-emerging from a week of break wherein you didn’t get out of pajamas and watched way too many episodes of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” You’re extracting Cheerios from your carpet like a teenager who has discovered Biore pore strips for the first time. You’re hyperactively tossing old toys into trash bags, opening your windows despite the wind chill and shaking off the stench of hypothermia-induced inertia.

In that spirit, I asked parents to reflect on the most obnoxious, outright bizarre things that have been said to them by holiday visitors. This swiftly morphed into a Facebook post with a life of its own. People replied in droves, longing to vent about the socially unacceptable, passive-aggressive, clueless utterances that have been expressed to them in the name of love, helpfulness or perhaps true hatred. Is your house dirty? Is your child dirty? Is someone criticizing you because your baby is 17 and still breast-feeding?

Read on! Commiserate!

“Let me wash your floors for you. Your house looks lived in.”

“When your mother was your age, she went to sleep on her own. She was a big girl.”

“Oh, we don’t allow our kids to eat [fill in the blank, said judgmentally].”

“You shouldn’t let your kids watch so much TV.”

“Kids should be able to sleep through anything!”

“The breastfeeding versus bottle comments, like ‘My child has never once had a bottle!’ [Because I have breastfed them, unlike you).”

“Stay-at-home-versus-working-mother comments: ‘I can’t get out of the house in the morning. It’s just impossible with two children!’ said to a working mother who gets up and out every day.”

[When looking at a few boxes piled against a wall or a general overflow of stuff]: “Oh, did you just move in recently?”

I once had a friend come over, run her finger down the corner of my television screen and proceed to grab a tissue to dust it off before we all watched a movie together. It left an indelible impression.”

“The infamous: ‘Is she going to be your only one?’ Um, yes, unless you want to gift me health care, sanity, employment and nine months of surrogacy.”

“‘Oh, my kids are just getting over some GI bug. But they’re fine now!’ This started the Great Thanksgiving Norovirus Catastrophe of 2016 for our family.”

“Is your house always this messy?”

“Girls play so much differently than boys!”

“Are you sure this can’t be solved with a good smack on the butt?”

“‘This house is way too small for your family.’ Always from visitors who aren’t familiar with local property values. We couldn’t move if we wanted to!”

“‘You’re just wasting your money renting!’ Ya think? I’d own much faster if could afford it!”

“My father-in-law, horrified by our old house’s lack of closets, suggested that we put our son in the converted porch and turn his bedroom into a walk-in closet.”

“‘Shouldn’t he be _______ by now?’ I’m so glad you’re a doctor and a certified child specialist!”

“‘Wow, it must be nice to be home all day with the kids. I never had that luxury!’ Luxury?”

“‘It must be nice to just put them in day care and get time to yourself.’ Um, that’s not ‘me’ time. I have to work every freaking moment they’re in school.”

“When are you going to put your boys in sports?”

“Kids can’t be kids in a condo.”

“What’s sleep training? My kids just started sleeping through the night on their own. Right around four weeks!”

“Saying to a single parent, ‘I know what it’s like to be a single parent,’ just because your spouse works a lot.”

“When struggling with infertility and IVF hasn’t worked, the people who immediately, without missing a beat, say: ‘Get a surrogate! Just adopt!’ [These are] people who, in my experience, never had to consider either of these scenarios, or the cost, for 30 seconds.”

“You should take away his pacifier. It’ll mess up his teeth.”

“I just couldn’t bring myself to send my child to a public school! How do you do it?”

“Looks like the kids are the boss in your house!”

“You’re planning to breastfeed, aren’t you?”

“My child would never do that.”

“Oh, two boys! Are you going to try for a girl?”

“You look tired.”

“‘I only believe in wooden toys.’ Maybe you do, but your kids seem to be having plenty of fun with our plastic stuff from Target.”

“‘When is your baby due?’ Um, I’m not pregnant and haven’t been for two years.”

And my personal favorite:

“Being around your kids is good birth control.”

What’s the most out-there comment you’ve ever gotten? Open the wine and let me know.