Jews agree. On everything. Peace has been declared.
For the first time in millennia Jews are setting aside their differences. Whether Orthodox, Reform, Chasidic, Conservative, Reconstructionist, Haredi, JuBu, secular or I’m-not-religious-I’m-spiritual, Jews are singing “Kumbaya” with fellow Jews in cities, towns and villages throughout the world. This sea change in the Jewish consciousness has resulted in some startling developments.
- There are no more congregations which are offshoots of congregations half of whose members left in a huff.
- The total number of Jewish organizations has been steadily decreasing since they began pooling their resources to eliminate waste and duplication. The number of fundraising events has diminished by 75%.
- Everyone’s homemade matzah balls have been declared equally light and fluffy.
- Benjamin Netanyahu and Tzipi Livni regularly appear in public arm-in-arm.
- All hechshers have been declared equally valid and all foods pareve.
- Jewish parents no longer feel compelled to recite their children’s SAT scores and college acceptances at cocktail parties and Bar Mitzvahs.
- In Israel, Ha’aretz and Israel HaYom have merged. Likewise in the U.S., Commentary and Tikkun now publish joint editions.
- Patrilineal descent and matrilineal descent have been combined into the model of Mom & Pop descent.
- Jews in Israel and throughout the world have reached a compromise on the length of holidays. Passover, which had been celebrated for 8 days outside of Israel and 7 days in Israel, is now celebrated for 7 ½ days, and families hold 1 ½ seders and Rosh Hashanah is celebrated for 1 ½ days…everywhere.
- In synagogues from L.A. to Miami Beach no one notices what others are wearing on the High Holidays.
- Temple board meetings last no more than 20 minutes.
- The Israeli government is now comprised of two parties: the Liberal Conservatives and the Conservative Liberals. Power is shared equally between the two.
- Jewish Republicans and Jewish Democrats are planning a joint Purim party. Jewish Independents, Libertarians and Tea Party Members are cordially invited.
- In Israel Haredim and kibbutzniks are holding a mahjong tournament.
- The recent rumble between warring factions at a yeshiva in Bnai Brak (not a parody: http://www.timesofisrael.com/large-brawl-breaks-out-in-bnei-brak-yeshiva/) turns out to be a hoax. The boys were just rehearsing their Purimshpiel.
- Jews no longer look down on other Jews because of levels of observance, size and cranial location of kippot, differing traditions or where their kids go to college.
And…It turns out that some of the Jewish world’s new-found solidarity is actually retroactive:
- Jewish historians now agree that the major factions which emerged in the Second Temple Period – the Pharisees, the Sadducees and the Essenes – were in accord on most issues and often shared Shabbat dinners.
- Israeli archeologists recently revealed a discovery which had been kept secret for decades, a document co-signed by Rabbis Hillel and Shammai. The text reveals that the two sages actually agreed on everything but pretended otherwise in order to make people think.
Sheol has frozen over. Pigs fly, (but still aren’t kosher). A person can dream.
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