Yom Kippur, or “the fasting holiday” to most of my non-Jewish friends, is traditionally a day of repentance, fasting and self-reflection. This year, I did two of those three.

To be perfectly honest, it’s not my first time not fasting on Yom Kippur and it probably won’t be my last. In past Yom Kippurs I haven’t fasted because I was starting a new job and didn’t want to take off to fast, or when my depression was resurfacing and I couldn’t focus on fasting. Not fasting is a form of self-care for me and in a way allows me to celebrate the holiday better. I can focus on atoning for my sins if I’m not preoccupied with thoughts of food.

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Like many young women (27 is still young, right?), I’ve struggled with disordered eating. I went through weeks where I would beat myself up for eating too many carbs, not enough veggies and any amount of sugar. I dabbled with diets like paleo, keto, vegetarianism and more. It was driving me crazy and took a long time to realize that no one diet works for everyone and that I should eat in a way that makes my body feel good. As someone who has a history of disordered eating, fasting brings up those feelings again and I begin to doubt myself.

In doing some research (thank you, internet), I found out I’m not alone in choosing not to fast. A variety of blog posts, essays and articles come up from those recovering from eating disorders and others who need to eat for medical reasons. (Think people like diabetics or pregnant women.) I came across an article that reminded me that “the same Torah which commands us to fast on Yom Kippur tells us that guarding our health is far more important than fasting on this holy day.”

I feel that I observe Yom Kippur more spiritually now than I did growing up, even though that was when I fasted. Growing up, Yom Kippur meant going to the temple and doing that prayer where you tap your chest with your fist, watching television and playing with my sister, and then scarfing down dinner like we fasted for a year and not just a day. It was secretly being proud to be Jewish to give all of the other kids a day off from school.

Yom Kippur is a day for repentance and atonement. I, as well as many others, chose to do this without fasting. This year, I attended virtual services and took intentional time to sit in nature and reflect. It was peaceful and quiet. It sometimes feels like nothing is normal during this pandemic, but in those few moments, things felt normal. It was a great start to 5781—reflecting and respecting myself—and that’s how I wish all of 5781 to be.

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