The Order of the Seder

Our seder has several parts, including:

  • Kadesh: We recite the blessing over a Tequila Sunrise, because our local stores ran out of kosher wine.
  • Urchatz: We wash hands before opening a jar of Rokeach gefilte fish, since who knows who touched the jar before?
  • Yachatz: We break the middle matzah, then we break more matzah and a few dishes, because it feels good to break something.
  • Rachatz: We wash a second time, because we didn’t sing “Happy Birthday” the first time.
  • Maror: We eat bitter herbs to remind us that our portfolio declined 30% in the month of March.
  • Korech: We eat a sandwich of matzah and bitter herbs to remind us that our portfolio just declined another 5%.
  • Beirach: We recite grace, expressing our thanks that Zoom enabled us to stream our seder live to the grandparents.

The Four Questions

Why is this seder different from all other seders?

At all other seders we dip twice using communal bowls. Why on this night do we not dip in a shared bowl even once?

At all other seders we are crushed around the table. Why on this night are our chairs four feet apart?

At all other seders Grandpa Artie and Uncle Al kibitz and tell old jokes. Why on this night is no one over 60 or with diabetes present?

At all other seders we wash twice with water. Why on this night do we also use Purell?

Some Haggadahs have added a Fifth Question: Who is this “Dr. Fauci,” whose name appears beside Moses’s in passages about redemption?

The Ten Plagues

[Until further notice, the reading of the Ten Plagues, which the Holy One, Blessed Be He/She/It, brought on the Egyptians, is suspended at gatherings of 10 or more.]

The Four Children

The Torah speaks of four children: The Wise, The Wicked, The One So Simple He Gets Health Updates From Fox News and The One So Clueless She Still Can’t Use Zoom.

What does the wise child say?

“What are these statutes, judgments and states of emergency that our government has commanded?”

To this child you will say: “It is because of COVID-19; that’s also why this year’s afikoman prize is a roll of toilet paper.”

What does the wicked child say?

“Why do you sheepishly follow shelter-in-place orders?”

This child says “You” and not “We” or even “Us or “Our.” Since she excludes herself from the Jewish people, respond: “Yes, I do this because of what the Lord did for ME in Egypt. If you had been there, you would not have been tested!”

What does the simple child say?

“But Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity said….”

Interrupt this child, blunt his teeth and remind him: “Tonight we celebrate that the Lord took us from Egypt with a washed hand and an outstretched arm, except when catching a sneeze per CDC sneeze guidelines. Blessed be the Holy Ones, who gave us cough guidelines, too.”

What do you say to the child who is clueless?

To this child say: “Tonight we celebrate our release from captivity. But in accordance with Scripture, we will keep social distance and wear face masks.”

Dayenu

Excerpt:

If the president hadn’t claimed COVID-19 would disappear miraculously, it would have been enough.

If he said virus numbers would go down but hadn’t said we can test anyone who needs it, it would have been enough.

If he exaggerated our testing ability but hadn’t said that no flights from Europe would be allowed, it would have been enough.

If he said no one from Europe can come, but noted that U.S. citizens are excepted, it would have been enough.

If he had failed to note the citizen exception but hadn’t claimed he’d known it was a pandemic all along, it would have been enough.

Nirzah (Conclusion)

This concludes the seder in accordance with WHO rules, laws and edicts.

Let us pray: Next year in Jerusalem, without a 14-day quarantine. Also, that we won’t be plagued by the coronavirus!

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