My name is Robin. I am autistic. I was diagnosed at the age of 57. For the first time, I truly understand who I am and what happened in my past that caused emotional trauma.
My story starts as a child. School was very challenging for me academically. I got held back in the first grade. I was never a good student. I struggled with learning English, grammar rules, and reading comprehension. My grades were very unimpressive. Growing up in the ’80s, I wasn’t diagnosed with any significant learning issues, but I was labeled a slow learner.
I did not talk much as a child either. It was hard for me to make friends or maintain them. I was labeled as painfully shy and as having social anxiety. Because I looked different, I was emotionally bullied. I always knew I was different, but I assumed it was a personality problem.
When I first got married, I started seeing a therapist to see what was wrong with me. Every therapist chalked it up to social anxiety or childhood trauma from being teased as a kid for appearing weird. I spent 15-20 years in a therapist’s office learning to be more like others.
At that time, I was a stay-at-home mom raising two girls. Between the ages of 25 and 45, I was visiting a therapist, on average, once a week. I learned to be more outgoing and social. Soon I adjusted, and people saw me as a cheerful, friendly woman.
It was easy to mask my symptoms from others, but not from my spouse. Even at the age of 50, I still had many temper tantrum issues (meltdowns) in my marriage, which took a toll on my mental health. I felt out of control emotionally. I did not like who I became. I was hurting. My spouse deserved a more emotionally stable wife. I was embarrassed by my childhood-like behavior that my spouse witnessed.
Therapy was not enough. I began researching several personality disorders and neurodiversity. I already knew I had dyslexia and ADHD from previous testing. However, I had a constant inner voice telling me to get tested for autism. I honestly believe it was God speaking through my spiritual guides.
I scheduled an autism evaluation. The results were autism. I felt a mix of anger and hurt. How could that be? Did the doctor make a mistake? How could I be autistic? At that time, I was an excellent social masker.
I scheduled a second autism evaluation appointment with a different doctor to ensure clarity and validation. The results confirmed autism. I wanted to cry.
Moving on:
I have a long journey of healing from undiagnosed autism and all the pain it caused me in the past. I hope sharing my story gives others hope that they can find peace in embracing their true selves too, inspiring acceptance and understanding.
I am the same person I always was. You are never alone, and faith can be a source of strength during any journey. I have healing support from my spouse, kids, and friends.
I am also a gifted marathon runner. I have run over 25 marathons. Seventeen were in Boston. I love running because it celebrates all accomplishments, and runners support one another.
I have been married for 32 years, and my marriage is still going strong. I am a stay-at-home mother of two girls, ages 27 and 31, and a homemaker. Both my children are happily married. I am also a bubbie to three grandchildren. Two of my grandchildren are boys, ages 3 and 3 months. The girl is 6 years old.
I am hoping my story can heal others.
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