It’s been a couple of years since we last checked in with Sarah and her daughter, Gali. This year brought transitions—middle school, shifting friendships and new academic and social challenges—alongside milestones like Fenway Park, political rallies and Gali’s bat mitzvah. Through it all, Sarah has guided her daughter, nurtured her community and embraced the joys and surprises of single motherhood. Here’s a look at their year, in their own words.
What has life been like for you and Gali over the past year?
This was a year of transitions. Gali started middle school, and even though it’s the same school she’s been in since kindergarten, it was a bigger change than I expected. Academically, things are getting more challenging; socially, her friend group shifted; and the kids have hormones raging at different levels. I was very involved in organizing and setting up the weekly “Empty Shabbat Table” in downtown Washington, D.C., to raise awareness of the hostages in Gaza, and Gali came with me some weeks. Gali also found her own way to raise awareness of the hostages by leading a tzedakah-collecting project at school and putting out masking tape so her fellow schoolmates could wear the number of days the hostages have been in Gaza. I’m so proud of her for identifying an issue she cares about and taking the initiative to do something.
We also had a bunch of fun adventures! I took her to her first game at Fenway Park, a true milestone, and am a bit ashamed that it took so many years. We spent several Sundays campaigning in advance of the presidential campaign. It’s important to me that we be a part of our civic process. And b’nai mitzvah season has begun! She had several of her school friends’ bat mitzvahs this past year. I love how supportive she is of her friends—sitting respectfully through their services and partying in celebration after. It turns out she loves a good party, and I’m learning how to have a social life again as my Saturday nights are opening up while she’s dancing the night away.
Gali spent the year learning and preparing for her own bat mitzvah, a task she enjoyed and took seriously. Watching her begin her transition into being a young adult is mind-boggling, awesome and full of pride. I also noticed the transition on this year’s “Day of Yes.” Gali planned out the day several months in advance. She asked to do most of the things we usually do on this day—shopping at Target with the new addition of getting a fruity drink at Starbucks, watching movies while eating lots of candy, thrifting, going out for dinner and then to the monuments at night. As the day progressed, she realized she didn’t want to do all the same things we’d done when she was younger and started canceling some of the plans. Unfortunately, she couldn’t think quickly enough about what she might want to do instead, which led to frustration. It was definitely a growing moment, and I’m guessing next year’s “Day of Yes” is going to look very different.
What made you most proud of yourself as a mom this year?
Two things: We started a joint gratitude practice this year. I had noticed that Gali was coming home each day and complaining about everything. Nothing was right; everything was wrong. I knew that not everything was wrong and there had to be at least a couple bright moments in each day. So now, as part of her bedtime routine, we share three things we’re grateful for from the day. Sometimes it’s as simple as the weather and sometimes it’s something bigger or more impactful. When we first started, it was so hard to come up with something to say, and over time, it has become easier. I’ve noticed it has helped shift her outlook, which has made it better to live with her.
Second, one of my top goals in parenting is to teach independence. Gali has chores she’s responsible for around the house, for example. This summer, we moved another step or two in the right direction toward independence. Gali was not interested in going to day camp during the weeks before sleep-away camp, her summer happy place. Her friend also had a few unprogrammed weeks. His mom and I set aside five days that we called “Camp D.C.” The kids had to plan each day out of the house exploring some part of D.C.—they had to figure out how to take the Metro, navigate to the location, feed themselves and get themselves home. And they did it! They went to several museums—voluntarily!—and explored Georgetown. And then she agreed to a one-week poetry-writing camp: She had to get herself up each morning, eat breakfast, make her lunch and take the bus to the Metro to get herself there on time. She didn’t know anyone at the start of the week and was very nervous about the camp. She discovered that she enjoys writing poetry and even made connections with some of the kids in the program.
What’s been the hardest part of parenting lately?
As she moves through the tween years and more of her communication with her friends is via text or other messaging, trying to walk the line between knowing what she’s doing online and her privacy is challenging. She got her first phone for her 12th birthday, mostly so that when she was out and about in D.C. she had access to a maps app and a way to contact me. A friend had shared with me a contract she had her kids sign when they received their phones, and I had Gali sign one as well. It was a great opportunity to talk through positive phone etiquette, the perils of social media, who controls the phone and what apps can be downloaded. And while I officially retain the ability to look at her phone and her messages any time, I also want to give her space and privacy with her friends. We’re still working on this and trying to figure out that balance. Navigating the digital space is not for the faint of heart, which most parents of tweens and teens know.
How has parenting a teen (or almost-teen) changed your day-to-day life?
In some ways, it’s made my daily life easier! She’s old enough that I can leave her home at night. I have started going out with friends or being able to participate in events in the evenings. But her homework has gotten harder. While I’m still able to help her with most of it, we’re entering the territory of “they didn’t teach it to me like that when I was a kid,” and therefore I’m less helpful. I’m OK with it since it’s her homework and I already had years of my own homework! She finds it frustrating, though, when I’m less helpful than she thinks I should be. In general, I want the homework to be between her and her teacher. I think it’s important for her teachers to see what she did and didn’t understand from the lesson, which is another reason I try to stay out of the way.
How did Gali’s bat mitzvah fit into your life as a single mother? Did it bring up any unexpected emotions or realizations?
It fit in seamlessly. Yes, the preparations took up a lot of time and overall, it fit in the way most momentous things do—the blessing of getting to make all the decisions and the curse of having to make all the decisions. There was one thing that surprised me and brought me some angst in advance: at our synagogue, the parents say two blessings from the bima after the bat mitzvah’s aliyah. I’m the only single parent by choice in our community and was not looking forward to standing up there alone. I rarely feel alone as a parent because I’ve worked hard to build myself a community to support us. I prepared by telling our rabbi and cantor how I was feeling. The rabbi made me laugh shortly before and the cantor made sure to stand next to me. I was still the only one saying the blessing, but, ultimately, I didn’t experience the loneliness I was worried I would feel.
It was a weekend where I felt the power of the many communities we are members of: our family traveled to be with us, nearly everyone from our Boston community came and our D.C. community was there and helped us in so many ways during the planning and throughout the weekend. People showed up for us, which was so meaningful. I work hard to create and sustain our villages, and I felt all their love and support throughout. I’m so grateful to have all these people in our lives.
Was there a moment—maybe during her speech, during services, or in a quiet, private reflection—that felt especially moving or transformative for you?
The whole weekend was filled with so much pride and joy. I was so proud of all that Gali learned and prepared. She led services Friday night and Saturday, read Torah and Haftorah, and gave a d’var Torah. Watching her up on the bima sharing her learnings, her thoughts and that she had a message, was incredible. The way she held herself and the maturity she displayed, I could see her as the young adult she is becoming. The other moment I had was at the beginning of the service when we were sitting in the front row with my parents. Gali, my dad and I were all wearing tallitot that my mom had made for each of us. My mom had also made tallitot for my cousins and their children for each of their b’nai mitzvahs, and for close family friends. It was meaningful to realize this was one of the few times they were all being worn in the same room at the same time.
What advice would you share now, both for single mothers and parents in general, about navigating a milestone like this?
Spreadsheets! I had so many spreadsheets to help me keep track of all the details. Also, our rabbi said something powerful as we began the pre-b’nai mitzvah programming at our synagogue. He reminded us that this is our child’s day, and it’s important to navigate our expectations with who they are and what their desires are. It allowed me to let go of her having to do it the way I did it and let it really be about her.
How has your support network shown up for you this year?
They’ve had my back through all the changes happening in our house. Those who have older kids shared their wisdom, they listened to me, they offered up their time, supplies, party decor. They allowed me to crowdsource one of the meals over the bat mitzvah weekend and cooked for all my out-of-town guests. It was generous and so helpful.
What helps you take care of yourself while taking care of Gali?
Gali wants me to say “Diet Coke.” She’s not entirely wrong! I also keep up weekly TV-watching dates with a friend in Boston, go to a Korean spa once or twice a year with a couple of friends, enjoy Shabbat meals with friends, and wine or scotch is also helpful.
Let’s turn it over to Gali: How do you feel your connection to Judaism has grown this year? What does becoming bat mitzvah mean to you?
The only difference I see in my connection to Judaism is I now have my own candlesticks to light on Shabbat, and I can now participate in services. To me, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but I know it is. And I know it’s a big deal for our community too.
What felt most meaningful or exciting to you about your bat mitzvah? Was there a particular ritual or moment you loved?
When I was preparing for my bat mitzvah, I was most excited about having all the different people from my life in one space. My family, school friends, camp friends, Boston friends and others came to support me on my bat mitzvah. After my service, it was nice to walk around and talk to all the people who came. Everyone was so supportive. I loved everything that I chose to learn for my bat mitzvah. On Friday night, I led Kabbalat Shabbat and Ma’ariv services, and I liked using tunes from camp and other places in my service. Learning how to recite Torah was also really fun for me. Sharing it with everyone felt really good too. And finally, writing and reading my d’var Torah was really great too. I enjoy writing, so working on it was fun and then sharing my thoughts with everyone was good too. I also got a lot of compliments and feedback on my speech afterward, which was nice.
What’s one thing you admire most about your mom—and why?
One thing I love about my mom is that she is spontaneous but always at the right times. She can tell if I’m not in the mood to do something (most of the time she can tell), or if it will just not work out. Like when we went downtown to see the White House lit up in blue and white for Israel at nine o’clock on a school night, but she thought it was important, so we went.
What’s been your favorite thing you and your mom did together this past year?
One of my favorite things we did this year was go to Kamala Harris’s rally in D.C. I always love going downtown with her, but that was especially special because we got to go downtown at night and see Kamala live! She has always made me aware of political events and ways to participate in them, but this time felt more involved. We helped change people’s minds about Harris and learned a lot about how presidential elections and campaigns work.
What’s the best and hardest thing about being you right now?
The best thing about being me right now is that my attitude finally matches my age. But really, it’s that I’m starting to find new things that I like. For example, this past year, I started art classes after school, which has been really fun for me. Nothing right now comes to mind about what is the hardest, but in general, transitions of any type are hard for me. The beginning and end of the school year is always hard socially for me, and anything like school breaks or even just going to a party can initially be hard socially for me.
Back to Sarah: As Gali steps into this next phase, what hopes or dreams do you have for her in the years to come?
I try not to have so many hopes or dreams—not because I’m fatalistic but because I want to see who she is and who she is going to become for herself. I don’t ever want her to feel like she isn’t measuring up to whatever expectations I have for her. That said, I do hope she is always a good friend and is surrounded by people who love her. I hope she is content with her choices in life. I hope she continues to care about our world and stand up for her values, for what’s right. I hope she will always be the amazing human being she already is and that when she stumbles, she has the resilience to pick herself up, brush herself off and keep moving forward.
Want more? Read parts one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and 10 of this special series.